Shop Tools Explained

[scannon]

I think I use the last tool more than any other.

 

 

DRILL PRESS:

 

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

 

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, "Oh, shit!"

 

SKILL SAW:

 

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS:

 

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

 

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up

jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

 

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its

course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

 

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

 

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in

your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

 

TABLE SAW:

 

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also proficient at shortening fingers.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

 

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW:

 

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line

instead of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

 

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything

you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

 

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening

old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

 

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common

slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:

 

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

 

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

 

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive

parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE:

 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons

delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or

plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but

only while in use. ( Also used on fingers and knees to

determine that you are out of Band-Aids. Alternate solution,

masking tape and a small piece of paper towel)

 

SON OF A B*TCH TOOL:

 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while

yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also,

most often, the next tool that you will need.

[scannon]

Here is my personal story about the Son of a Bitch Tool.

 

In the late '60s I worked part time in service station repairing cars on a commission basis, I got half of the flat rate and half of the markup on the parts I installed. The owner's wife was a dingbat who didn't have two brain cells to rub together. We called her Single Cell.

 

She also did the books on the service station and every month they would not balance and she would come storming into the station and accuse me of stealing from them. My buddy was the manager and would have to spend hours going over the books to find her errors and explain every time that it was impossible for me to steal from them since I had no access to the money or the books.

 

One time I had had a particularly bad time with a fuel pump on a Mustang. Two new fuel pumps I installed were bad and I had to eat the time. The engine was also a grease ball and hard to work on.

 

Single Cell comes blasting in and starts yelling at me from across two service bays. I had a ratchet in my hand and suddenly I snapped and threw the ratchet at her full force. It missed her head by several inches and the butt end of it punched a hole in the cinderblock wall next to her ear. It remained stuck in the wall. She never spoke to me again.

 

I don't recall just what I screamed at her but it might have been...

Edited October 30, 2009 by scannon

[locost7018]

Geez, Skip. Remind me to never tic you off!!!!!! Russ

[scannon]

Geez, Skip. Remind me to never tic you off!!!!!! Russ

It takes a lot to get me mad and far more for me to snap like that. This had been going on for over a year and she came in screaming at a really bad moment. I'm truly glad I missed her with the wrench.

 

I have been informed that what I originally posted was actually written by Peter Egan. It came to me without attribution in an email so I will leave it up to our moderator as to whether it should be removed.