joke

[scannon]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on

the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

 

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished

it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

 

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it

was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

 

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here,flop

your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to

run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and

iron all day long?

 

 

 

"The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it's started."

[slngsht]

Lol

[scannon]

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a

token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

 

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a

financial planner, each very financially successful.

 

When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

 

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto

the chest of the deceased.

 

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

 

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse,

took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her

father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

[scannon]

A ​man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

 

Passenger: ‘Who?’

 

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

 

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

 

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

 

Passenger: Sounds like he was really something special.

 

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.’

 

Passenger: ‘Wow, what a guy !

 

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

 

Passenger: How did you meet him?

 

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

[Dan3030]

Ok I like this one Skip!

[scannon]

Missing Wife.

 

 

 

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

 

Sheriff: Height ?

 

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 

Sheriff: Weight ?

 

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

 

Sheriff: Color of eyes ?

 

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

 

Sheriff: Color of hair ?

 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

 

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

 

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

 

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?

 

Husband: She went in my truck.

 

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

 

Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

 

At this point the husband started choking up.

 

Sheriff: Take it easy sir,we'll find your truck!!!

[scannon]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!

 

===

 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

 

===

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

 

 

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

 

 

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A

 

===

 

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

 

===

 

 

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS BY 11:30 AM TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL ALIENS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

[speedwagon]

AH the generous ending!!!

[scannon]

It came in an email. They always have something to encourage you to pass it along. :jester:

 

I beat the deadline to pass it along, did you?

[scannon]

I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).

 

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

 

I don’t have to go to school or work.

 

I get an allowance every month.

 

I have my own pad.

 

I don’t have a curfew.

 

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

 

I don’t have acne.

 

The people I hang around with are not insecure.

 

Life is great.

 

I have other friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

[scannon]

A young friend of ours has a box seat ticket for the 2017 Super bowl. Box, plus airfares, accommodation etc.

 

He didn't realize when he bought the tickets that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.

 

If anyone is interested and wants to go in his place, it’s at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5pm. Her name's Sara.

She's 5'4", age 26, about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $81,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.

[scannon]

Canada is famous for the winters, curling and ice hockey. All happened together in Montreal.

 

Check it out. Sit back and relax !!!

 

http://newsandbusiness.rogersdigitalmedia.com.edgesuite.net/videos/13639244001/201612/2850/13639244001_5238239279001_5238231028001.mp4

[scannon]

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book

for which you search, you are obviously in the.....

 

Edited January 15, 2017 by scannon

[coffee break]

Help! Skip we need something to laugh at that doesn't tweet. :puke:

[scannon]

I've never sent or received a tweet. Go ahead and laugh at me.

 

 

The Dead Horse......

 

A Guy Bought A Dead Horse Without Knowing. What He Did With It Is Genius,

 

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

 

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

 

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

 

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

 

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

 

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

 

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

 

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

 

Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

 

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

 

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

[scannon]

Not sure if I've posted this one but its still funny.

 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

 

When they get to the hospital, she runs AHEAD OF HER MOTHER AND BURSTS INTO HER GRANDPA'S ROOM.

 

"GRANDPA, GRANDPA," SHE SAYS EXCITEDLY, " AS SOON AS MY MOM COMES INTO THE ROOM, MAKE A NOISE LIKE A FROG!”

 

"WHAT?" SAID HER GRANDPA.

 

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DISNEYLAND!

[xcarguy]

. . . the farmer said . . . mom said

 

. . . :jester:

[scannon]

Sure, here ya go...

[scannon]

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD PEOPLE... You'll lose every time!!!!!

 

This might be worth remembering next time we need the urologist.

 

Every time the nurse came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

 

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "and how are we doing this morning?" Or.... "are we ready for a bath?" Or... "are we hungry?"

 

I had enough of this particular nurse.

 

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

 

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

 

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

 

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

 

The nurse fainted... I just smiled!

 

 

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD PEOPLE... You'll lose every time!!!!!

[locost7018]

Don't laugh too hard. I know a guy who did just that when we were in college. It was at an ROTC physical at Whiteman AFB. It caused quite a ruckus. Russ