joke

[scannon]

A friend I sent this along to emailed back saying he saw a guy drink about 2 oz. of his own urine on a $5 bet. My price to do that is way bigger than $5.

[xcarguy]

. . . "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

 

. . . :ack:

[locost7018]

An Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed

her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the

drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa da pig

that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

 

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair who is impeccably

dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters

the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother,

and the girl and tells them:

 

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’

‘I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation,

but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest

of her life.

 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari,

2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa,

and a $2,000,000 bank account..

 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and

a $4,000,000 bank account.

 

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

 

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a

shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks

him directly in the eyes and tells him.

 

“You a-gonna try again."

[scannon]

A DOG NAMED SEX

By Morty Storm

 

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

 

When I went to city hall to renew his dog License, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!”

 

Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

 

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

 

He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny- I have the same problem.”

 

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

 

“But, you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”

 

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

 

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

 

My case comes up Friday.

[xcarguy]

.....

[scannon]

Well-Planned Retirement

 

Outside England ’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.....The fees for cars $1.40, for buses about $7.

 

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

 

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars .....and no one even knows his name.

[slngsht]

I've been slacking...

[locost7018]

I know some of you fly airplanes so you might enjoy this:

 

No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an aeroplane flies because of money.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first! Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

IFR: I Follow Roads.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runways behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.

Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.

Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

[slngsht]

some good ones in there :cheers:

 

I know some of you fly airplanes so you might enjoy this:

 

No matter what else happens, fly the airplane. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an aeroplane flies because of money.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone. An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi. "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger; if you pull the stick back, they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again.)

Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first! Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

IFR: I Follow Roads.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runways behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.

Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

The friendliest flight attendants are those on the trip home.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.

Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

The difference between a fighter pilot & a pig? A pig doesn't sit at a bar until 0300 waiting to pick up a fighter pilot.

[scannon]

The Best Divorce Letter, ever !

 

 

FIRST LETTER:

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

 

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.

 

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

 

Your EX-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

 

 

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

 

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

 

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

 

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment...... and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

 

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

 

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

 

So take care.

 

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[scannon]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

 

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

 

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. ​

 

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

 

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

 

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw ​.

[Dan3030]

OMG... Skip, please tell me once you sell that BEAUTIFUL Caterham that we'll still get these jokes from you...

[scannon]

OMG... Skip, please tell me once you sell that BEAUTIFUL Caterham that we'll still get these jokes from you...

 

I plan on hanging out here at least for awhile after the car is sold. I will keep the jokes coming as I receive them.

[scannon]

New Slogans for United Airlines:

 

We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

 

Our prices can’t be beaten...but our passengers can.

 

We put the hospital in hospitality.

 

We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.

 

Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

 

Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

 

If our staff need a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.

 

We treat you like we treat your luggage.

 

You may have patients, but we don’t have patience.

 

We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

 

Now serving free punch.

[scannon]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the airport.

 

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

 

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,

"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?"

I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious".

[xcarguy]

New Slogans for United Airlines:

 

We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

 

Our prices can’t be beaten...but our passengers can.

 

We put the hospital in hospitality.

 

We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.

 

Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

 

Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

 

If our staff need a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.

 

We treat you like we treat your luggage.

 

You may have patients, but we don’t have patience.

 

We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

 

Now serving free punch.

 

 

Delta currently vying for this position. However, there is rumor of a Delta/United merger. Following this, they will begin providing, free of charge, the 'tag-teaming' of passengers. But I'm sure it was a rumor; they'll definitely charge for tag-teaming. :jester:

[scannon]

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

 

 

Earl sips his beer and says,

 

 

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find these days."

[slngsht]

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

 

 

Earl sips his beer and says,

 

 

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find these days."

 

I've noticed in my hobbies passengers are hard to hear

[scannon]

Bruce finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening just after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

 

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools, along with your guns and fishing gear and that stupid vintage Harley.”

 

Bruce got a horrified look on his face and began choking.

 

She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

 

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

 

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

 

Bruce replied: “I wasn’t.”

[coffee break]

Donald @ Western Wall in Israel

 

http://www.madmagazine.com/blog/2017/05/22/the-note-donald-trump-left-in-israels-western-wall