joke

[scannon]

I was eating breakfast with my 4-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her.

 

What day is tomorrow?"

 

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" ..

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .. I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

 

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[Paul Hill]

Sadly, that was true even before it was a holiday.

And just for the record, it's no different here where we have more than 2 parties to choose from!

[NVP66S]

Now that's funny. I clearly remember when Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday were merged. I call it Nixon's birthday.

[xcarguy]

. . . . You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

 

 

LOL, Skip! I can visualize . . . . . :smilielol5:

[scannon]

Wine Is Not the Only Drink That's Good For You! Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

 

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

 

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

 

Reporter: When do you drink water?

 

Hattie: I've never been that sick

[xcarguy]

It's gotta be a southern boy's ride. . . . . . :flag:

[scannon]

For those of us of the wide butt persuasion this might be a better fit. Built for comfort, not speed.

[scannon]

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

 

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

 

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

 

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

 

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.

[scannon]

The Tender Hearted Deer Hunter

 

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.

 

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

 

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

 

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.

 

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.

 

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

 

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"

[xcarguy]

. . . . . "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"

 

. . . . . . :smilielol5:

[AndyB]

A matter of perspective

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -- but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair

and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man,

"Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said,

"No, she didn't. She just walked in."

[lucky dawg]

Bubba and Earl are out deer hunting. Bubba trips and his rifle fires a round, hitting Earl. Bubba does the right thing and calls 911 to report that he thinks he just killed his best friend. The 911 operator calmly tells Bubba that he needs to make sure that Earl is actually dead. Bubba says wait a moment, there is one more shot, and he then asks "Okay, what now?"

[scannon]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

 

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'

 

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

 

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

 

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

 

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

 

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

 

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.’

[locost7018]

Good one Skip!!!!

[scannon]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

 

"We' re sorry Mr. White, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" White shouted.

 

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. White said, "Give me the bad news first."

 

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .."

 

"Oh. my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?�

 

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that you are entitled to a share in the catch."

 

Stunned, Mr. White demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

 

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[NVP66S]

Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5,and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

 

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

 

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

[AndyB]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua put on a puzzled look on her face and replied......

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f g Chihuahua?!"

[scannon]

Interesting Facts About Crows!

 

 

 

A fact you won't soon forget....

 

 

 

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead

 

crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may

 

have died from Avian Flu.

 

 

 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to

 

everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT

 

Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

 

 

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of

 

paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

 

 

 

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows

 

had been killed by impact with trucks, while

 

only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

 

 

 

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a

 

cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills

 

Versus car kills.

 

 

 

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always

 

have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah,"

 

Not a single one could shout "Truck."

[Paul Hill]

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet

of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go

in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me

and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew

what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see

that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the

package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store

to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me

into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my

mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom

on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties

and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much

time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no

longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she

asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

[scannon]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

 

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

 

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

 

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

 

Who would know if he touched them?

 

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

 

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

 

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

 

What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

 

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

 

 

MEN NEVER LISTEN!!!!!!!