Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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Life is sexually transmitted.*
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?