Mondo Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) Just a few... Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Compassionate Conservative and a Mean Conservative are walking down the street. They see a $100 bill lying on the ground. Who gets it? A: The Mean Conservative, naturally. The other three are fictional. Question--why should you always take two Republicans fishing with you? If you take only one, he'll smoke all your pot, but if you take two, they won't smoke any. A liberal says "My glass is half full." A conservative says, "Who drank half my water?" , Edited April 13, 2014 by Mondo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 . . . . . :svengo: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NVP66S Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Buffy , wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Buffy quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, Buffy came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," Buffy replied," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," she added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 . . . . . . :flag: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitcat Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 A cop, who happens to be a blonde, pulls over a speeder, also a cute blonde. She says: " "Let me see your license." The driver has a huge purse and fumbles around in it for awhile, completely confused. Finally she asks: "Officer, what does it look like?" The blond cop says: "It's rectangular and has your picture on it." The driver returns to her search and finally finds a rectangular shaped mirror, looks at it, sees her face and hands it to the officer. The officer stares at it a minute and says, "OK, you can go." The driver says: thanks officer, but if you dont mind my asking, why?" The officer says:"Well, I didn't realize you were a cop." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slngsht Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 Buffy , wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Buffy quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, Buffy came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," Buffy replied," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," she added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 :rofl: A woman goes into a bar, sits down beside a fellow and asks him, "Can you help me with an itchy-booty?" He responds, "Ma'am, I don't know a thing about foreign cars, but I'll be glad to buy you a drink." :svengo: :jester: . . . . . :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NVP66S Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news, and I saw the man jump then. "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 A female cop, who happens to be a blonde, pulls over a speeder, also a cute blonde. She says: " "Let me see your license." The driver has a huge purse and fumbles around in it for awhile, completely confused. Finally she asks: "Officer, what does it look like?" The blond cop says: "It's rectangular and has your picture on it." The driver returns to her search and finally finds a rectangular shaped mirror, looks at it, sees her face and hands it to the officer. The officer stares at it a minute and says, "OK, you can go." The driver says: thanks officer, but if you don't mind my asking, why?" The officer says:"Well, I didn't realize you were a cop." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 In a bit of a festive mood this morning. :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 . . . . . . :svengo: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manshoon11 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Go to the link and do them one by one. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? 4. There is a river you must cross, but crocodiles inhabit it. How do you manage it? http://wfhummel.cnchost.com/executive.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NVP66S Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Go to the link and do them one by one. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? 4. There is a river you must cross, but crocodiles inhabit it. How do you manage it? http://wfhummel.cnchost.com/executive.html That's extra funny for me right now. The company I work for is currently interviewing to hire a CEO. I sent that link to the executive search committee. I'll see what kind of responses I get. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manshoon11 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Now that would be something if they used it to break the ice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 . . . . . . :svengo: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NVP66S Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer who studied all year for the bra exam? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off Road SHO Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 My wife joined Mother Against Dyslexia, D.A.M. Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffee break Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do all night? They ponder the question "is there a Dog?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimrankin Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 My secretary got stopped for going 53 in a 35 zone and tried to convince the cop she was dyslexic. This may have already been posted here but.. A CHP pulls over a car full of little old ladies going almost 100 MPH. The driver ask him what his problem is and he tells her the speed limit is 65. She looks at him and ask why is it posted at 99 then? He tells her that's the highway numbed not the speed limit and that she's obviously scaring the hell out of her passengers because they are huddled in the back seat and appear to have recently been crying. He tells the driver to slow down and ask the ladies in the back if they are OK. One of them looks at him and says "We've been OK for the last few miles but I thought the ride in on highway 135 was going to kill us". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 . . . . . . . :jester: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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