joke

[coffee break]

A real pain on the ice. There may be some of that happening in Georgia later today.:willy_nilly:

[scannon]

Photo on the night stand

After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's

nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...

 

 

 

 

Clean can be funny.

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

 

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[scannon]

A Short Gun Story:

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have

a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been

sleeping with my wife."

 

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

[slngsht]

A Short Gun Story:

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have

a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been

sleeping with my wife."

 

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

 

Ouch

[scannon]

ADVICE FROM BOB - A RETIRED HUSBAND

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is BOB. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for PEGGY to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

BOB died suddenly on July 24, 2010 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that BOB, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Sean]

A Short Gun Story:

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled, "I have

a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been

sleeping with my wife."

 

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

 

Good one, Skip! I've gotten some good laughs with colleagues re-telling this one. Gonna steal it and post on BC.

[xcarguy]

A dyslexic walks into a bra and yells "Bad spellers of the world...UNTIE!" Y'all better be laugh'n.

[FE07]

ADVICE FROM BOB - A RETIRED HUSBAND

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is BOB. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for PEGGY to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

BOB died suddenly on July 24, 2010 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that BOB, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

 

 

I showed this to my wife. Sure is a good thing I don't play golf!!

 

Jim

[scannon]

Jim,

 

You are either a very brave or foolish man to show that to your wife.

[coffee break]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? He stays up all night and ponders the question, "Is there a dog".

[scannon]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother

asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

 

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it only the upper half.

 

The next day he discovers that he accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

 

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

 

It says:

 

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle...

 

It makes your nose look too short."

[coffee break]

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all up.____________________________________________________________ An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[scannon]

Mathematics: This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%?

 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

And

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But ,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,

that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are!

[scannon]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

 

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink'.

 

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Willie and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth, the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

 

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

 

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A blonde woman timidly spoke up:

 

'I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[Croc]

Yes but can she open her mouth that wide?

 

scratch that...she is a blonde

[coffee break]

Caption needed...

[xcarguy]

Caption needed...

 

. . . . . . :seeya:

[scannon]

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

 

She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired:

"How much for a season pass?”

[NVP66S]

Yes but can she open her mouth that wide?

 

scratch that...she is a blonde

 

What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?

 

 

 

Her ankles.

[scannon]

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued

fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole

world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an

ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This "duel" would be a dog fight.

 

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to

develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that

won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas.

 

The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

 

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and

Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and

then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian

wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy

of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the

other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their

quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years

were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on

its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this

incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

 

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the

Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a

 

Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

 

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the

Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird,

 

odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling

beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one

look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less

than a minute.

 

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled

toward the center of the ring.The Arab dog leaped from

its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to

within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened

its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.

There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the

Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

 

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies

and media personnel let out a collective gasp of

disbelief and surprise.

 

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking

their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said

their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked

for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans,

Rottweiler and Siberian wolves, and they developed an

incredible killing machine of a dog!"

 

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a

team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working

to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."