joke

[scannon]

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

 

The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, how about that, at last a golfer with real guts!”

 

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

[scannon]

• 101st Airborne Division- “ When it comes to Combat, care enough to send the very best”, “When in doubt, empty the magazine”

 

• “Sniper– You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

 

• “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

 

• “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

 

• ” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

 

• " U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”

 

• “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

 

• “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”

 

• “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

 

• “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

 

• “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

 

• “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

 

• “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”(Gen H. Norman Schwarzkopf )

 

• “Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

 

• “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “

 

• “My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College and Protest”

 

• “A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

 

• “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the US military doesn’t have that problem."

[scannon]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'

 

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[scannon]

Merlot story

 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of fine merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 

So the waiter took the merlot to the woman and said, 'this is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

 

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read: 'for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

 

It read: 'just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be I have a ferrari maranello, a bmw alpina b6, a mercedes cl600 and a porsche gt2 rs turbo in my several garages'.

 

I have beautiful homes in aspen and miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in texas .

 

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

 

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut off two inches.

 

Please, just send the wine back.

[scannon]

The Redneck

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Old, uncouth Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

 

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

 

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?'

 

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing How about my new Rolex and some stock options?'

 

Again Leroy said no.

 

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

 

Leroy said,

 

 

 

 

 

'... the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

[Taber10]

Skip,

Despite selling your cars, I hope you stay on USA7s--I need the jokes!

Thanks,

Taber

[scannon]

THE END IS NEAR

 

 

 

Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant parish in County Cork and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together erecting a sign which said:

 

 

 

THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

 

 

 

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

 

 

 

From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "That's the third one this mornin'."

 

 

 

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya think maybe the sign should just say, "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

[jimrankin]

A maid ask the lady of the house for a raise.

The lady ask her why she thinks she deserves a raise.

The maid say "because I iron much better than you do".

And who says that ?

Your husband said it. And he also said I'm a better cook than you.

He said that!

Yes, and I'm also much better at making the love than you are.

The son of a bitch said that!!

No mam, the gardener told me that.

Oh! Would an extra $100 a week be enough???

[scannon]

My brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his

fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill

them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true

because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were

overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses

and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those

things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

 

If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only

confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this

do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that ?!" Finally, I made it to the

inflatable doll section.

 

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also

substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane

during rush hour.

 

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many

different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,

could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for

"Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise

a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise

came to life.

 

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee

morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling

pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies

and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,

and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his

house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog

confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark

some more.

 

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest

of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional

Christmas dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

 

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

 

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

 

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

 

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into

the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and

no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,

hang on!"

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to

me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

 

I told him she was Jay's friend.

 

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to

Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we

realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had

died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a

noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from

the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of

the sofa.

 

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and

Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet

his pants.

 

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the

car.

 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to

decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had

suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored

her to perfect health!

[Kitcat]

This is a classic Skip:).

[Mondo]

A nurse reaches in her pocket for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer.... she says "some asshole has my pen"

[coffee break]

Skip,

Despite selling your cars, I hope you stay on USA7s--I need the jokes!

Thanks,

Taber

+1

[scannon]

Caitlyn Jenner has come out and claimed that several years ago, Bruce Jenner inappropriately groped her many times!

How far will it go?

 

And a comment that came back on the Christmas with Louise story.

Bob, when I lived in Saudi Arabia, there was an outbreak of STD in the camp where Pakistani men working on bachelor status lived. It was eventually traced to a very promiscuous sibling of Louise.

[scannon]

To my Democrat Friends:

 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

 

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

 

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countries nor the only "America" in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

 

 

To My Republican Friends:

 

 

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 

-----------------------------------

Google Pizza

 

WE ordered a pizza to watch a COLLEGE football game. Never again. Here's what happened.

 

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

 

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

 

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

 

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

 

OK. I'd like to order a pizza.

 

Do you want your usual, sir?

 

My usual? You know me?

 

According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust.

 

OK! That’s what I want.

 

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

 

No you may not! I don't like vegetables.

 

Your cholesterol needs help, sir.

 

How the hell do you know?

 

We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

 

Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol!

 

Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

 

I bought the rest at another drugstore.

 

Not according to your credit card statement.

 

I paid in cash.

 

Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

 

I have other sources of cash.

 

That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

 

WHAT THE HELL?!

 

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the sole intention of helping you.

 

Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without the Internet, cable TV, cell phone service and jerks watching and spying on me.

 

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

[xcarguy]

LOL, Skip!!! Hey, on a serious note, try the search engine duckduckgo.com. I don't think they track.

 

X

Edited January 3, 2018 by xcarguy

[Kitcat]

Skip:

What happened to the whole "goodwill toward men" part of the X-mas spirit? I've read your post 2x and I dont see it in the holiday message attributed to us Dems, or in your Republican holiday message:).

So I will say it: Peace on earth and goodwill towards men.

Your Democrat friend,

Kitcat

[scannon]

Sorry to say but peace on earth is a myth. There are always many wars going on not to mention terrorist attacks and a high murder rate. Not a lot of goodwill floating around either.

 

BTW, I didn't write it, just passing it along.

[scannon]

The Jewish ELBOW

 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

 

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

 

______________________________ _________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

 

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan'a you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

 

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

 

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________

 

Irish Blonde...

 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

 

..... but all men...are men!

 

______________________________ ______________________________ _____________

 

Global Facts About Sex

 

At any given moment:

 

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

 

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

 

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

FACT: 1 old person is reading this post.

 

You hang in there, sunshine!

Edited January 9, 2018 by scannon

[scannon]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

 

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué, or worse, and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

 

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately she just walked in."

 

The Gunfighter. This short video has a few F bombs and C bombs but its really funny.

 

http://www.loopinsight.com/2018/02/17/the-gunfighter-2/

[scannon]

Four old retired men are walking down street in Yuma, Arizona's. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents. "They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

 

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

 

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

 

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

 

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

 

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

 

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

 

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

 

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing a dozen other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the folks at the end of the bar, one of the men ask the Bartender, "What's with them?"

 

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."