joke

[scannon]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

 

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote forObama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

 

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a huge 10-foot grizzly bear.

 

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up.

 

One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right between the Bear's eyes.

 

The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

 

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

 

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

 

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

 

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied, "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

 

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

[powderbrake]

I gotta tell you, I blew coffee out of my nose at the bear hunting joke.

[scannon]

This is alarming & scary stuff!

 

Beer contains female hormones!

 

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

 

.

 

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

 

.

 

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones

 

(hops contain estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

 

.

 

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

 

.

 

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

 

yes, 100% of all these men:-

 

.

 

.

 

1) Argued over nothing.

 

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

 

3) Gained weight.

 

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

 

5) Became overly emotional

 

6) Couldn't drive.

 

7) Failed to think rationally, and

 

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

 

.

 

.

 

No further testing was considered necessary!!

[powderbrake]

None of his classmates liked Tyrone because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

 

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

 

Shocked at the feedback, the mom withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

 

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

 

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

 

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

 

 

 

 

 

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

 

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon?

[scannon]

Three Woman Golfers

 

Three women are playing the 4th hole at Crow Canyon Golf course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

 

The 3 women look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

 

The first woman says, “ Well he definitely is not my husband.”

 

The second woman looks at his manhood and says, “ He for sure is not my husband."

 

The third woman takes a good look and says " He's not even a member of this club."

[NVP66S]

OK, here's one back at cha...

 

Happy Halloween. A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled . So, he took his costume and left.

 

After an hour, the wife awakened without pain and decided to go to the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought she’d have some fun watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted him cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

 

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.

 

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then, she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "No, not even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

[yellowss7]

My Mommy, The Dancer

 

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother,

He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"

Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be the next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."

[AndyB]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

[scannon]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

 

********************

 

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

 

 

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

 

**********************

 

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

 

*************************

 

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

 

************************

 

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

 

*************************

 

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

 

 

 

'No,' she replies. . ..

 

 

 

 

 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[xcarguy]

. . . . . . :jester:

[AndyB]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE HIDING UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT, THAT MIGHT GET ME.

 

So I went to a shrink and told him:

“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

 

”How much do you charge?”

 

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

 

”I'll sleep on it”, I said.

 

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

 

”Well, eighty bucks a visit, that's $240.00 a week, $960.00 a month!

For a year, is $12,480.00!!!

 

A bartender cured me for $10.00.”

 

“Is that so?” he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

 

 

”He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”

[scannon]

The Picture On The Night Stand

 

 

After a night of making passionate love, in the glimmer of dawn, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

 

 

He begins to worry.. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

 

 

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

 

 

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

 

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

 

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

 

 

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands, getting frustrated.

 

 

'That's me before the surgery.'

[NVP66S]

As long as we're on the subject of bartender's wisdom:

 

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

 

Drink: Beer

Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

 

 

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

 

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink

 

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

 

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

 

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

 

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

 

 

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

 

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

 

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

 

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

 

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

[lucky dawg]

A Brit is traveling to Australia for the first time and upon landing in Sydney, arrives at Immigration. The officer asks "Do you have a criminal record?" to which the Brit replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

[xcarguy]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband." :banghead:

[scannon]

BUD the Cowboy

 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

 

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

 

 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

 

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

 

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know shit about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

 

 

“Now give me back my dog.”

 

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

[xcarguy]

. . . . . . .

[coffee break]

Help! I'm suffering a joke deficiency.:ack:

[xcarguy]

. . . . . . :jester:

[scannon]

This one just might belong in the Politics, Religion and Controversy section but its more joke than political so be forewarned.

 

A young "Arkie" (from Arkansas) goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on marijuana, he calls home.

 

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

 

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

 

"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."

 

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

 

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his Father asks.

 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

 

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

 

"Just send me $2,500, and I'll get him into the class."

 

The money promptly arrives.

 

The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

 

Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

 

So she has him shoot the dog.

 

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ol' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

 

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

 

"I sure did, Dad!"

 

"That's my boy!"

 

WARNING, the political part starts below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States. Then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President......

Edited August 9, 2015 by scannon