joke

[xcarguy]

Joke of the day.....Jesse Ventura. Whatta buncha:bs:

[scannon]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Just sayin'.

[xcarguy]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Just sayin'.

 

. . . . . :smilielol5:

[NVP66S]

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

 

 

 

 

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan!

[scannon]

KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD, UGLY WOMAN

 

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

 

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

 

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

 

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

 

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

 

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

 

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

 

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

 

What would YOU do?

 

What Lancelot chose is below.

 

BUT --- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

 

 

 

.

OKAY?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

 

Now....what is the moral to this story?

 

 

 

The moral is --

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you don't let a woman have her own way...

Things are going to get ugly..

[scannon]

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

 

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

 

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

[xcarguy]

. . . . . :rofl:

 

Doctors

 

(A) The number of physicians in

the U.S.:

 

700,000.

 

(B) Accidental deaths caused by

Physicians per year:

 

120,000.

 

© Accidental deaths per

physician:

 

0.171

 

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

 

And now . . . . .

 

Guns

 

(A) The number of gun owners in

the U.S.:

 

80,000,000.

 

(B)

The number of accidental gun deaths

 

per year:

 

1,500.

 

© The number of accidental

deaths per gun owner:

 

.0000188

 

Statistics courtesy of FBI

 

Statistically, it seems, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Not everyone owns a gun, but almost everyone has a doctor. So, you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than by a gun owner. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

 

Out of concern for the public interest, statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would

cause widespread panic among the population, causing people to seek medical attention!

[jimrankin]

I just love statistics!! Can you figure the odds that my doctor will accidentally shoot my lawyer? Will it help the odds if I offer him some cash and promise to say I saw it and it was accidental? :cheers:

[NVP66S]

At the back of every traffic jam is a guy who thinks he's Stirling Moss.

[coffee break]

At the back of every traffic jam is a guy who thinks he's Stirling Moss.

+1 :cheers:

[Kitcat]

Jim:

Har, har, "shoot the lawyer", har-har. Wait, I AM a lawyer....So, let me just say that if a member of your family ever dies due to the indifference or incompetence of a doctor, believe me, you will want a lawyer. And every day you will be begging him to drop a nuclear weapon on that doctor. As imperfect as the legal system is, without it, and all of us evil lawyers, we are back to the self-help gun option, noted in XCar's post, above.

Folks love to quote Shakespeare's passage:"First we shoot all the lawyers..." What they miss is that was said by a character trying to promote anarchy.

Anyhow, Skip, I loved the wi-fi joke and have told it to everyone who will listen:).

Edited September 29, 2015 by Kitcat

[lucky dawg]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

Edited October 1, 2015 by lucky dawg

[jimrankin]

A old cowboy walks into a bar in Montana and orders three draft beers. He sits at a table in the back and sips out of each one in turn until all three are empty and goes back to the bar for a second "round" of three more. The bartender has been watching and tells him that as soon as he draws a brew it starts to go flat and he would enjoy the beer more if he just got one at a time. The cowboy explains that he has two brothers, one working a ranch in Texas and the other working a ranch in Nevada and that before they had to split up for work they made a pact to drink like they were all together as a way to stay close. The Cowboy becomes a regular at the bar and no one questions his habits. Then one day he walks in and everyone notices he only orders two beers and goes to his table and sips the two beers dry. When he comes up to the bar for the next round the bartender tells him he is really sorry about the loss of one of his brothers. The Cowboy looks puzzled for a moment and then gets what the bartender is talking about and smiles. The cowboy tells him thanks for the sympathy but both my brothers are alive and well but my Wife and I joined the Baptist Church and we had to stop drinking. Good thing it didn't affect my brothers though.

[scannon]

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the

team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth

be simply known as "The Redskins."

 

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative

image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and

graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

[Alaskossie]

Skip,

 

Seriously, the Washington Redskins need to have a reality check in their belief that their team name does not offend a significant group of people.

 

Why doesn't the team decide to change its name to the "Washington Darkies," and see how that flies?

[scannon]

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

 

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

 

Whats the matter? asked the Trooper

 

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

 

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

 

"I can't," said the biker.

 

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

 

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

 

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

[scannon]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda. Her breasts bounced and jiggled as she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

 

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.

 

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

 

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[xcarguy]

Good heavens, Skip! I was reading to myself and a lightning bolt struck right beside me!

[scannon]

Sorry about that lightning bolt, hope it didn't do too much damage.

 

There was an oral version of this using alum vs persimmons back in the 60s. It was more fun to tell because you would pucker up your mouth when delivering the punch line.

[scannon]

First Christmas Joke

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 

 

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

And So The Christmas Season

Begins......