scannon Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 This brought me some chuckles this morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 Classic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’ The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 An elderly couple are sitting in church. The wife leans over for few seconds and then whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid!" :svengo: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MightyMike Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 You guys are killin' it! :cheers: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) True story. In 1967 I was riding a bus from Blackfoot, Idaho to the Idaho National Laboratory near Arco, Idaho which is where a lot of nuclear experimentation takes place. The bus was filled with a mixture of Navy personnel and civilians. I was stationed at a Navy nuclear power plant operation training facility. Someone near the back of the bus ripped off the loudest fart I have ever heard. Everyone turned their head to see who the guilty party was. One sailor stands up from his aisle seat, turns to the civilian woman sitting across the aisle and says in a loud stage whisper: "Keep a straight face lady, I'll stand up and take the blame". Needless to say, the Navy was not amused when they found out about it and the sailor was transferred immediately, most likely to some remote island. Edited January 20, 2016 by scannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 WHAT I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE DEMOCRATS' DEBATE * Black Lives Matter, All Lives Don't Matter. * College should be free and all student loans cancelled. * Medical treatment should be free. * To become an American Citizen just show up here. * The economy sucks and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. * The Middle Class is shrinking and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. * The Average Family income is dropping and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. * Black youths have over a 50% unemployment rate and after 7 years in office it's not Obama's fault. * Hispanic youth unemployment is over 35% and after 7 years in office, it's not Obama's fault. * 50% of the Population is paying 100% of all the taxes and they are still not paying their fair share. * Everyone who votes Democrat will work less, make more, get more time off, spend more time with family, pay less taxes, and get more government subsidies. * Everyone else does it, so should we, regardless of the results other places. * Government wants more money to squander on promises already broken. * The word "Progressive" is less cringe worthy than saying you're a Liberal. * When America grows up, we want to be Norway, Sweden or the Netherlands. * There's a quagmire in Iraq, Syria and the Middle East and Obama's retreating from the area has nothing to do with the situation. * Republicans want dirty air, dirty water, oil spills, trash on the streets, polluted oceans, old people without medical treatment and dead, young people without educations being paid the lowest wages possible, starving children, don't believe in equal rights, were responsible for Jim Crow Laws and not Affirmative action. * Snowden and General Petraeus broke laws for releasing and not securing secret documents but Hillary Clinton shares no responsibility. * If elected, everything will be rainbows and Unicorns - just like with Obama. * Hillary Clinton does walk on water. * Cheaters do prosper. * People often cheer stupidity. * There is only one candidate given a voice in the Democrat Race. * Hillary and Bill Clinton were born poor Black Children. * All the qualifications needed to be President is to be a woman. * Evil looks like anything white, rich, successful and productive. * You will receive a participation trophy in life. * Agreements of any kind should be signed and committed to even if the other agreeing party doesn't live up to its obligations. * Everything is still Bush's fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowss7 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I love you Skip. :cheers: Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yellowss7 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucky dawg Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 WHAT I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE DEMOCRATS' DEBATE ... Wow, I can't wait to see your assessment of the Republican debate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Skip, if you'll run for office, I'll vote for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Skip, if you'll run for office, I'll vote for you! Bite your tongue! I will not lower myself to indulge in politics. I have no love for politicians other than the entertainment they provide. AFAIK they are all crooks, thieves and speak with forked tongues. FWIW I did not create the above, I just passed it along from an email I received. If someone sends me one about the republican debates I will be happy to pass it along. After all, I am an equal opportunity offender. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Bite your tongue! . . . . . . . I just passed it along from an email I received. See, Skip...there you have it! You got it from an email. You'd make an excellent politician. They all use speech writers, and the writers probably got most of their information off the internet! Hey, I bet Tom would volunteer to write your speeches. :cuss: That's two votes already. :smilielol5:Besides, not ALL politicians are crooks...Nixon said so himself. :bs: I think I need to get out of Houston, go home and turn a wrench in a really bad way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I met Nixon when I was about 13 years old. I'd never heard of bad vibes but I definitely felt something evil emanating from him. If nominated I would not vote for myself. I do vote for my cars at car shows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NVP66S Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 So, you're a member of the non-jogging, non-tennis philosophy: "If nominated, I will not run. If elected I will not serve." And, XCAR, why would you want to turn a wrench in a really bad way? Now seriously, I think modern public office is something decent people don't want to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Now seriously, I think modern public office is something decent people don't want to do. Exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scannon Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 https://www.youtube.com/embed/xKy2lLNQYrI?rel=0&iv_load_policy=3&showinfo=0 It can't end soon enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitcat Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Skip, thx! Some of the clips are epic! I havent seen so much sliding on pavement since the last se7ens event at NJMP:). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xcarguy Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 . . . . I havent seen so much sliding on pavement since the last se7ens event at NJMP . . . that I attended. Hey!!! I resemble that remark! :toetap05: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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