scannon

Wish I had known, I would have driven down to meet him.

The Jewish ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" ______________________________ _________________ Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan'a you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? ______________________________ ______________________________ _____________ Irish Blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men! ______________________________ ______________________________ _____________ Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading this post. You hang in there, sunshine!

Sorry to say but peace on earth is a myth. There are always many wars going on not to mention terrorist attacks and a high murder rate. Not a lot of goodwill floating around either. BTW, I didn't write it, just passing it along.

To my Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countries nor the only "America" in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. To My Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! ----------------------------------- Google Pizza WE ordered a pizza to watch a COLLEGE football game. Never again. Here's what happened. Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza? No sir, it's Google Pizza. I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. OK. I'd like to order a pizza. Do you want your usual, sir? My usual? You know me? According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust. OK! That’s what I want. May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? No you may not! I don't like vegetables. Your cholesterol needs help, sir. How the hell do you know? We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol! Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago. I bought the rest at another drugstore. Not according to your credit card statement. I paid in cash. Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. I have other sources of cash. That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. WHAT THE HELL?! I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the sole intention of helping you. Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without the Internet, cable TV, cell phone service and jerks watching and spying on me. I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

Caitlyn Jenner has come out and claimed that several years ago, Bruce Jenner inappropriately groped her many times! How far will it go? And a comment that came back on the Christmas with Louise story.

My brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that ?!" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Here's the segment: https://drivemag.com/news/jeremy-clarkson-says-the-ford-gt-feels-like-a-mad-caterham

I've seen weights listed from 3,700 to 4,400. C&D magazine weighed one at 3,796. It certainly doesn't drive like you would expect for all that weight.

I put 1,500 miles on the M2 and it just wasn't the right car for me. It never really brought a smile to my lips and the blip throttle downshift logic defies logic. So a couple of weeks ago I traded it in on this: 2017 Shelby GT350. This car makes me grin just thinking about it let alone driving it. So much more engaging than the M2, its shaping up to be the best car I've owned (which is saying something since it is the 362nd car I've owned). And it is Yellow, my favorite car color.

Johnny, A friend built a scratch Locost using measurements from my former SV. He is a machinist and fabricated many parts himself. Here's a link to his build. http://www.locostusa.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=35&t=13510&sid=3e3e5ff95cdfb7bc7ed9cbf2bfd23d56

It has moved several times. Its back in Lafayette but is now at the corner of S Public Road and S Boulder Road in the Flatirons Community Church parking lot. Lots of cops now to keep things under control. Lots of radar so keep in in the speed limit coming and going. https://www.google.com/maps/place/Flatirons+Community+Church/@39.9941058,-105.0886216,14z/data=!4m13!1m7!3m6!1s0x876bf36c78a8c2c3:0x775e73acfeadd604!2sLafayette,+CO!3b1!8m2!3d39.9935959!4d-105.0897058!3m4!1s0x876bf4e849c59b9b:0x9aaadc015a00aa85!8m2!3d39.988843!4d-105.0926614 Some friends are gathering at my shop after the show, you're welcome to join us.

Mike, are you bringing the Storker to the C&C on Saturday in Lafayette? I'll be there with my new Shelby GT350.

I love that yellow Shelby GT350, probably because I bought its twin last week. What a great car.

+1 on BaT. Its cheap for the seller at a fixed $99 fee and gets world wide exposure and an auction setting that should bring the best price.

https://www.facebook.com/kboi2/videos/1684719718206394/ https://www.cbsnews.com/news/boise-idaho-car-plows-into-crowd-several-injured/ A Porsche coming out of a C&C got on it, lost control went into the crowd of spectators on the sidewalk.

THE END IS NEAR Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant parish in County Cork and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together erecting a sign which said: THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "That's the third one this mornin'." "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya think maybe the sign should just say, "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

Do both lights come on when you press the brake pedal? One on and one off or one bright and one dim usually means a ground problem. Not sure about your Caterham but all of them I have inspected use a push button switch on the brake linkage under the pedal cover.

The Redneck A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Old, uncouth Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing How about my new Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, '... the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

I had one from Soft Bits for Sevens in my SV. It was very handy.

There is also the Caterham SV aka the Fat Bastard.

I put lowered headlight brackets on my 2004 Caterham SV. The right end in the parts store picture is where the headlight mounts on the bracket and is the same as mine. The left end is totally different. On my brackets the round tube continues on and goes into the nose cone and into a sort of pinch clamp with two bolts. It didn't have the two ears with holes in them. I couldn't find a picture of them and the car is no longer in my possession.

Thanks Mike, that worked for me. Kinda bitter/sweet seeing "my" car out there having fun.

Tried the link twice and got the message "no videos shown".

Merlot story A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of fine merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the merlot to the woman and said, 'this is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'for me to accept this bottle, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be I have a ferrari maranello, a bmw alpina b6, a mercedes cl600 and a porsche gt2 rs turbo in my several garages'. I have beautiful homes in aspen and miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would i cut off two inches. Please, just send the wine back.

It seems like I bought the MT version just in time, BMW has announced the demise of the MT in the 2 Series. http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2017/06/bmw-drops-manual-transmission-best-model-help-pay-rd/#more-1577385 No butt extractor option available but hey, this car has actual doors. Unfortunately the car comes standard with all the options mentioned by Mike as well as a slew of unwanted nannies and driver assists. The one I hate the most is the throttle blip on down shifts. Its way too aggressive and when you let the clutch out it maintains the speed and RPM level for a few seconds before allowing compression braking. Its really annoying. It can only be eliminated by holding down a button for 5 seconds which also eliminates all the handling nannies and doesn't allow cruise control or use of the Sport and Sport+ options. You have to remember to do this each time you start the car. My right foot has been supplying the throttle blips on down shifts for the last 50+ years and it does a better job of it than the nanny. Other than that it is a great car. I love the smoothness and sound of the straight 6 engine. I know that some of that sound is coming through the radio speakers but it still sounds good especially with the windows down.