joke

[xcarguy]

The brand new handy dandy MANLEY Just-a-Smidge® tape measure; designed for the redneck construction aficionado in all of us. This is ‘good ole’ boy innovation at its peak. The kind of stuff that makes erection gurus like Bob Vile cringe in fear of hammer wielding, beer-bellied builders.

 

With an accuracy of 100sm every 2-3/4 inches, this thing is pretty darn precise all the way up to a scosche. So, the next time your buddy tells you to "Move it a smidgen to the left or right," you won't have to guess! . . . . . . . MANLEY Just-a-Smidge®

[coffee break]

A wise old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

 

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this insider knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

 

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[GBOLT]

Romance

 

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!

 

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,

“I am on the commode. Please advise."

[OldBob]

,

The Tender Hearted Deer Hunter

 

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.

 

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

 

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

 

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.

 

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.

 

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

 

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"

 

 

Says this guy:

[OldBob]

Modern marvels:

 

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

 

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

 

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son

"Go get your mother."

[lucky dawg]

Since he doesn't hear well, an older gentleman brings his wife with him to the doctor for his physical. The doctor asks his age and the man says "what did he say?" The wife says "tell him you are 78". Next the doctor asks how his vision is and the man says "what did he say?" His wife says "tell him you wear glasses for driving". The doctor checks his paperwork and advises the gentleman he will need to provide urine, stool, blood, and semen samples. Again, the man turns to his wife and says "what did he say?" The wife says "give him your underwear".

[xcarguy]

Two policemen, Constable Ron and Patrolman Bob, arrive on the scene of a domestic disturbance and decided to call the 'sergeant on watch' back at the police station.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes it is?"

"Yessir........ahhhh........we have a somewhat unusual situation here. It seems a ah.........a ah....woman has just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just finished mopping."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Ah...............No sir.........The ah.........The floor is still wet."

 

 

[Poorichard]

See what happens when you get to greedy.......... ...Black hole...

[scannon]

 

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

 

“Fred,” he replies

 

“Fred what?” the officer asks

 

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

 

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

 

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

 

The biker replies, “It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship , residency, and finally got my degree, so

I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry,

so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.”

 

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”

 

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[xcarguy]

A man calls home to his wife and says,

 

 

"Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my

 

boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the

 

long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to

 

get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you

 

please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend.

 

And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box

 

from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the

 

office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things.

 

Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”

 

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the

 

good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

 

 

Following the long weekend he returns home a little

 

tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes

 

him home and asks if he caught many fish?

 

 

He says, Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few

 

pike. "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new

 

blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do?”

 

 

 

 

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box"...

[xcarguy]

The best home security system that your tax dollars can buy. No more monthly fees paid out to your local alarm company. No more need for a neighborhood watch program. Simply place one of the green flags at each corner of your front lawn and the black flag somewhere in the center between the two, and wah lah, you have the most secure home security system available. This system guarantees that the local police, RCMP (for our Canadian neighbors), sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other government agencies will be watching your house 24/7. :seeya:

[slngsht]

or you can save a few bucks and put up one of these... they'll watch you even closer

http://www.usaflagsupply.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/5e06319eda06f020e43594a9c230972d/g/a/gatsenFLAG1.jpg

[scannon]

Real life shades of gray‏

 

Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . In and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .

Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .

Forwards then backwards.

Forward then backwards.

Again . . . . and, again . . . .

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .

 

 

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . She shouted:

 

 

 

Wait for it....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[xcarguy]

A ragged, old derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar.

Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"

sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam;

but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well.

I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while

since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.

By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

 

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.

When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

 

It's called, "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said.

After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said, "I wrote it myself."

 

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping,

hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told

the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light. I wrote it myself.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled.

He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight

and I Need To See The Centerline" I wrote it myself. He excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but

do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

 

:cheers:

 

 

 

[locost7018]

Investment tips for 2015 With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

 

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

 

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

 

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

 

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

 

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

 

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

 

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW.

And finally...

 

9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.

[Paul Hill]

I guess any of those would be a better investment than ANOTHER ex-wife?

[scannon]

59 Shades of Gray....or something.

 

Four good mates have been going on the same fishing trip to the same place for many years.

 

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

When he tells his fishing mates, they are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

 

Two days later, the other 3 get to the campsite and are very surprised to find Sam sitting there

with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, a cold stubby in his hand.

 

"Wow, Sam, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you come along?"

 

"Well, I've been here since last night. It's a long story. Last night, I was sitting in my lounge chair

and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie. She took my hand and

pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles burning and rose petals all over the bed.

Apparently, she's been reading that book they're all reading, you know, "Fifty Shades of Gray".

On the bed, she had even put some handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the

bed, so I did. And then she whispered to me, "Do whatever you want."

 

So, here I am, fellas!

[scannon]

After the honeymoon:

 

 

Dave decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening,

after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

 

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long

period of silence she finally spoke

 

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time

you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should

sell your guns and boat".

 

Dave gets this horrified look on his face.

 

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

 

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

 

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 

"I wasn't."

[powderbrake]

The Amish are "Non-violent" people!

BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN

 

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man

drinking from his pond with his hand.

 

The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser,

die he und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

 

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have

shit in it!"

 

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't

understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

 

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two

hands, you'll get more!"

[Mondo]

What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ones a Goodyear, the other's a great year!