joke

[xcarguy]

I'm belly laughing...that one's funny, Skip. Thanks for the late-night chuckle. :smilielol5:

[scannon]

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 70 years later.

 

I don’t have to go to school or work.

 

I get an allowance every month.

 

I have my own pad.

 

I don’t have a curfew.

 

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

 

I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.

 

 

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.

 

 

 

Life is great.

 

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.

 

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.

 

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

 

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

 

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

 

SO THERE!!

[slomove]

Reminds me of an argument that was made that students who drink hard have better test scores and are more successful in life. Goes like this...everybody knows that alcohol kills brain cells. However, for obvious reasons the weakest brain cells die first, leaving the proud owner of the brain with only the strongest brain cells and therefore at a competitive advantage. I have now set up an elaborate test program to prove that it also works at my age. So far I had the best results with Sierra Nevada Torpedo IPA

[DeanG]

Study drunk, test drunk.

[jimrankin]

That Torpedo IPA taste great but it's way too heavy for sustained testing purposes. It is tasty enough though to stand up to shots of Jack between sips. Some of my best (and worst) planning and studying srssions have used this method.

[xcarguy]

One evening, a family was having a wonderful dinner together and engaged in lighthearted conversation. The son, decided to explore the boundaries of the discussion and sheepishly said to his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The room grew quiet and all eyes were fixed on the boy’s he father as they awaited his reply. His dad, somewhat surprised by his son's question, answers, “Well, son, a woman’s breasts, during her lifetime, will normally go through three phases of transformation. In her 20s, her breasts are round and firm; think ‘ripe melons’. In her 30s and 40s, they are somewhat like pears; still nice, yet hanging a bit. After 50, her breasts are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, son…onions. You look at them and they cause uncontrollable crying.”

 

The man’s wife was infuriated by his answers. She sat staring at her husband in disbelief at what she had just heard. The couple’s daughter, seizing the opportunity, asks, “Mom, does a man’s willy go through phases as well?” The mother smiled grandly and said, “Well, dear, it does; three phases also to be exact. In his 20s, a man’s willy is like an oak tree.” She glared at her husband as she said, “Think mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s more like the branch of a birch; a bit flexible, but still rather reliable. But after his 50s, it becomes much more like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, my dear; lifeless from the root up and decorated with balls.”

 

. . . . :jester:

[m wirth]

Well....not really a joke but some holiday fun. Type in a Christmas song, a word or a naughty word.

best to all this season

mike wirth

 

https://www.sundoginteractive.com/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf

[yellowss7]

That's great. Anyone here remember Charlie Chinchopper?

[Mondo]

A couple classics:

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

 

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

 

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

 

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

 

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

 

He grabs his shotgun and -BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit.......third gay rooster I’ve bought this month."

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her

in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is

his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your football season ticket.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card

bill!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks

over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a f!$%ing

cold.’

Edited December 22, 2015 by Mondo

[powderbrake]

DOUG SMITH IS ON HIS DEATHBED AND KNOWS THE END IS NEAR. HIS NURSE, HIS WIFE, HIS DAUGHTER AND TWO SONS, ARE WITH HIM. HE ASKS FOR TWO WITNESSES TO BE PRESENT AND A CAMCORDER TO RECORD HIS

LAST WISHES. WHEN ALL IS READY, HE BEGINS TO SPEAK:

 

"MY SON BERNIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE MAYFAIR HOUSES."

 

"MY DAUGHTER SYBIL, YOU TAKE THE APARTMENTS ON THE EAST END."

 

"MY SON, JAMIE, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE OFFICES IN THE CITY CENTRE."

 

"SARAH, MY DEAR WIFE, PLEASE TAKE ALL THE RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS ON THE BANKS OF THE RIVER."

 

THE NURSE AND WITNESSES ARE BLOWN AWAY, SHOCKED BY THE EXTENT of HIS

HOLDINGS, AS MR. SMITH SLIPS AWAY. THE NURSE TURNS TO MRS. SMITH and SAYS,

 

"MRS. SMITH, YOUR HUSBAND MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY HARD-WORKING MAN TO ACCUMULATE ALL THIS PROPERTY FOR HIS FAMILY."

 

SARAH REPLIES, "WHAT PROPERTY? THE A**HOLE HAD A PAPER ROUTE!"

[scannon]

What if you were offended by a Christmas holiday song and you want to air your grievance? Just go to a college campus. You’ll find people who will happily be offended with you, about almost anything .

 

As a bit of satire, Dan Joseph of MRCTV went to George Mason University with petition in hand to stop radio stations from playing the Irving Berlin’s classic ditty “White Christmas.” What did “dreaming of a white Christmas just like the ones I used to know” ever do to Joseph?

 

He argued to students that the song is racist, a microaggression against multiculturalism. “We think that the song ‘White Christmas’ is insulting to people of color,” Joseph told one student, “because it says snow is white and therefore it is good, but we know there are other kinds of snow. It’s dirty on the ground, sometimes it turns brown, sometimes it turns black.”

 

With poetic interpretation being what it is today, Joseph was able to collect 18 signatures in an hour on campus. At one point, Joseph said the carol with the most laudable social justice message is “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer” because it celebrates a flying reindeer’s genetic mutation.

 

(In reality, if we jump on this social justice crusade, I must point out that the song also celebrates exceptionalism — the fact that Rudolf was the only one who could do a certain job!)

 

Then again, if the song had been written today, Santa might have started a committee to study the dangers of flying in severe weather caused by climate change and suggest changes to flight procedures and sleigh registration, as well as petition for subsidies to develop technology to safely deliver age-appropriate gifts free of choking hazards and lead-based paint to children.

[lucky dawg]

Reminds me of several years ago when local college students convinced the Santa Cruz city council to ban disposable cups. Their complaint was that the cups frequently contained dihydrogen-oxygen, a compound responsible for numerous deaths every year. After the ordinance passed, the UC students confessed that the chemical is also known as water. And cups do often contain water. And many people drown in water.

[xcarguy]

Can we still have Frosty The Snowman...even though he was a smoker? :jester:

Edited December 22, 2015 by xcarguy

[lucky dawg]

Can we still have Frosty The Snowman...even though he was a smoker? :jester:

Replaced by Frothy The Beerman.

[scannon]

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

 

 

 

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

 

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”

 

The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8

[lucky dawg]

This may explain why the kids keep faling asleep in class. Sorry Kentucky.

 

[scannon]

Who said that the health care in Canada was not up to par??

 

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

 

The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to urinate and defecate in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. Then put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

 

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?

 

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

[scannon]

Shipwrecked

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Bill and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Bill was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

 

It was tragic, but Bob and Bill managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Bill's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

 

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Bill began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

 

 

 

So they buried Debbie.

[yellowss7]

Skip you are on a roll, keep em coming! :jester: Tom

[scannon]

OK Tom, Here ya go.

 

As I was just driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:

 

NEED HELP?

 

 

CALL JESUS

 

 

1-800-555-3787

 

 

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.

 

 

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.